Today I was going to share my experience of having reiki for the first time (which I will soon). But I thought it might be better to give you an idea of how I came to this point where I am actively trying to heal and connect with my mind, body and spirit.
I have struggled with my mental health for as long as I can remember. I was an anxious child worrying about loved ones passing away or everyday things like, the double-decker buses falling over on a turn and ending up injured or worse. Then puberty hit turning my anxiety into panic attacks. As I got older and encountered more of life it led to my hardest mental health moments. Depression, self-harming and alcoholism. By my early 20’s I was struggling with intrusive and suicidal thoughts. There was no one thing that I could point to as the catalyst for my struggles. I now know a combination of being brought up in the catholic church (catholic guilt is no joke!) and then leaving and having nothing to believe in, childhood trauma, family history of mental health issues, and my own choices all factored into me ending up in such a dark place.
By the time I was 25, I was referred to the NHS mental health service. I was so grateful to have medical professionals helping me. I was relieved when diagnosed with anxiety, borderline personality disorder (DPD) and bipolar disorder (BD). It made it easier to explain what I was going through to my friends and family. It was easier to get support and treatment. After almost a decade of struggling to live in a way that seemed to work for everyone else, thinking I was making it all up, lazy or crazy, I clung to the life raft that those terms became. I am still so grateful to the NHS and the treatments they provided. I honestly don’t think I would be here without them. I was medicated and then had to wait months for counseling. The only way to get on the correct medications is to keep trying the wrong ones until you find what works. Every person I know with a mental health issue is on a different medication and reacts to each medication differently. This process is tough things often get worse before they improve. Looking back at this period of my life now I felt like I became my mental health issues I would say “Hey I’m Simone and I’m bipolar.”
I got very lucky and accessed a private psychiatrist when I was 27. It was life-changing. I got to see the same Doctor for every session. I didn’t have to retell the hardest parts of my life to a new strange doctor at every appointment or wait for them to learn about me from my notes at the start of every session. This Doctor knew me and my diagnosis well. Finding the correct medications was much quicker. She referred me to a psychotherapist. Little did I know that finding the right therapist would be like finding the right medication. It took a while to find the right person I had some really bad sessions with people that didn’t align with me. I hadn’t even considered this. I assumed that therapy would be a one-size-fits-all, any therapist will work. It wasn’t until I found my current therapist that I understood how good therapy could be. And honestly, by the time I found her, I was a little closed off to the idea of therapy and almost quit!
But through therapy, I learned that the best approach to good mental and general health is a holistic approach. I came to see that I am not my label. I am me first, through my life experiences, trauma, genetic makeup and family history I have mental health issues such as anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), BD, or BPD which make me react and respond in a certain way. But I am still capable and able to live a full life just in a way very specific to me.
Through this realisation and trial and error, I have found coping strategies that help. Mainly routines, holding boundaries, no alcohol, good sleep, journaling, less sugar, less social media, honest communication with loved ones and breathing techniques. So far, I have more energy, I have been able to reduce my medications, I feel more like myself than ever before and I have better relationships with loved ones. Like a tangle of threads, as I’ve pulled one (Breathing Exercises) it has led me to another (Meditation) which I will share with you here.