Mr B is currently away for a couple of days with work meaning it’s just me and RoryDog at home. Something that even a year ago would not have been possible. Previously October to February was when my mental health plummeted. I’m not sure if it’s the lack of daylight or the ending of another year making me aware of the passing of time but like clockwork, it happens.
When I say it my mental health takes a dive I want to be honest about what that means. I don’t just feel low and anxious my body and mind almost shut down. Either my body doesn’t produce its regular cues or my brain just ignores them. I can go all day without moving, eating, drinking, taking care of hygiene or even peeing. I have to be reminded to do all of these things by Mr B or thanks to modern technology my smartwatch. It even takes too much energy to talk, I will if being spoken to but forming and uttering the words is so difficult. While this happens something strange happens to time, it goes by in a flash because every day is the same and they merge into one I feel like I just woke up and it’s bedtime again. But the minutes almost last forever and every one agony to make it through. Because if I’m not mentally completely numb unable to think of anything then the alternative is much worse. I’m either constantly replaying the most traumatic events and biggest mistakes of my life or I’m mentally berating myself for not being able to get myself together and do the million things I know I should be doing.
This can last for 5 months. Towards the end of this period, the thought of spring and this easing up doesn’t even help because this has happened every year for the last decade and I’m pretty sure it will again next year, possibly for the rest of my life. Some things help, it used to be worse before being medicated, having therapy, and getting Rory. This period also used to be filled with intrusive suicidal thoughts, self-harming, binge drinking, binge eating, and getting myself in debt to cope.
Now you have a better idea of why if this opportunity had come for Mr B last year he wouldn’t have been able to go. Not just because I couldn’t be left but because even if someone else could have stepped in to help (not that I would have agreed to that) You can’t really enjoy yourself while constantly worrying if your Wife is ok.
So what changed? Although I have done therapy for two years I had been focusing on my issues that affected other people or how to deal with relationships better. (ever the people pleaser!) But this year my therapist and I finally cracked the trauma foundation and I finally talked about emotional, physical and sexual abuse from my past. And when I tell you that I had locked that shit down deep, it’s an understatement. I hadn’t brought it up once in two years because it felt almost like it had happened to someone else and was unimportant… spoiler it was the most important. It broke me even deeper than I thought possible, it made me angry an emotion I don’t do very well, and it made me question and re-evaluate every aspect of myself and my life.
Since February I’ve put in a hell of a lot of work. I started trying to forget the thoughts and needs of others for the first time in my life and put myself first. I have focused on trying to communicate better with the people I love. I admitted I have an addiction problem, I am not addicted to one thing I have multiple addictions but drinking is one (another post). I started a daily morning and evening routine that is so ingrained now that I wake up without an alarm every day and do the same routine without thinking even now in October. I gave in and admitted that I’m spiritual even though I feel silly saying it. Listening to music, singing, and dancing daily instantly gives me relief like I’ve had tequila even though if someone saw or heard me I’d die of embarrassment. Stepping away from social media for weeks at a time. And journalling as therapy. I have felt compelled to write and share about my mental health, trauma and experiences in the hope of making progress and helping others for 15 years but have stopped myself every time for fear of how people will react especially those who caused the trauma. And the biggest is that I don’t want to or can’t live in Essex anymore. Every town is tied to trauma that I’m still working through.
And I feel so proud that yes, I miss Mr B but that Rory and I are coping fine without him here. So far my routine has got harder to maintain but I’m still doing it. I am a few weeks ahead of my last year of University. We have located our desired area, packed our first 3 boxes, and budgeted for the move to Scotland in January. And as of the 13th of October, I’m still not in the low yet. And now I’ve shared my first really personal post on my blog.
Sincerely Simone